What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 03.07.2025 00:14
She loved him until the end.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was scared of men, in general
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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Would this be the day?
I think the readers, may guess!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
So whats the point in blame.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
What one thing makes someone a very mature person?
And i lived it daily.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Are Americans really as uneducated and ignorant as portrayed in the media?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Im still living with it.
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I don,t even have a pension.
Do happily married husbands cheat?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Why would a person always be so tired?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
(And it was in our own minds.)
Who then, do I blame.?
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We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But it wasn’t much.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But, we were locked up after school.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Put me off passion for life!!
She married twice! .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I could never make a relationship work though!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He knew the spot.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He resisted the act ,that day.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Especially a lifetime of it.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
It was going to be , some day.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was 9 years of age.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I waited trembling.
Ive learnt so much.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I have no regrets .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
We were not on the streets..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My life is so biszare .
I was very sick at this time too.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
What did i know ?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
As i do to all so called friends.?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We all went to grammer schools
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She wouldn,t have been !
I was seconnd youngest,
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
One cannot live in the past .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I will be 64.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I write beautiful poetry .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
This is soul school!.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She was in good health!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
So, i spoilt her more .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Comes on , in middle age.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I said to her
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
When she asked me how she looked .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Why did i forgive my father ?
My family never makes their pension either.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
All the time i was locked up.
She found it foreign!.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!